I dont know either

Hi friends. So now I feel terribly lost and it sucks. Yes I am thinking about my future, AGAIN. So I just had this talk with Amanda and I cant sleep and thats why you are reading this post now. I know I've been talking about how lost I feel cos I dont have any goals. And honestly, it wouldnt make a difference now anyway. I've been so lost for so long that I dont even know how happy it feels like to have a direction in life. Now, I am just waiting for time to pass and for nature to take its course. Internship is ending and I do feel very sad about leaving because I feel that I've actually learn alot of things that I wouldnt be able to learn in the classroom. Even though I did screw up, I still enjoy working in the airport and thats really rare ok hahaha So maybe I think Im leaning towards aviation? But I dont know.

Ok, back to the topic of me not having a goal. There are just so many things I want to do in life but I still cant sort my life out. Confusing? Yup I know. Its like I have a bucket list but I have no idea how am I going to achieve it. That kind of feeling sucks. Feels like I have plan but I dont because I have no money to execute my plan. To add on, the current situation of my life doesnt fit well into my bucket list. Its not cos my parents are poor but ... ok I really have no idea how to explain it but ya, its not about money and its more about how i will feel.

Behold my bucket list:

1. Getting my advanced diving license

2. Dive in these various spots

    a. Bali

    b. Maldives

    c. USA

    d. Boracay

    e. manymany more places

3. Bungee Jumping

4. Sky Diving

5. Hiking (something I really want to try again after that bad hiking trip in sec 3)

6. Go road tripping in the USA for at least a month

7. Go backpacking around the world

and obviously it'll +++ while time passes

Believe it or not, I used to have a goal but not a clear one, thats all. In Secondary School, all I ever wanted was to get into a University and get a Degree. It didnt matter to me which road I take, as long as I reach my goal. I thought JC would be better cos higher percentage of that sector of people get into a local university. But stupid me could not cope and I eventually went into NP. When I chose TRM, I did not expect my choices in University will be limited by so much. I wouldnt be able to do a science course if I want to. My GPA is bullshit as well so getting into a local University is going to be so hard. And that was all I wanted in Secondary School. Well, wanting something doesnt mean you'll always get it right? I do have hope that my internship grade is going to pull my GPA up so that i'll get accepted into a local uni but things are not looking very good because I didnt score that well for my report plus there is a 30% final company assessment. Sigh.

If I do get to study university, I'll graduate when I am 23/24 (which is really quite old already). The age I plan to get married will be at 27/28 and have my first kid by 30. Working for 3 year might not be enough for me to even own a flat in Singapore. So how the hell am I supposed to strike those things off my bucket list by the time I have my first kid or even before i get married? I will just end up living the boring and typical Singaporean life and I really hate the thought of it.

At this point of time, I dont even know what I want to do in uni if my GPA is good enough. I dont even know what I would want to work as 4-5 years down the road. Time is passing so quickly that these 4-5 years are going to zoom by and i might not even get anything done?? It really scares the shit out of me. There are other things I am considering as well like working a year before going into university to gain some work experience. But to do that, I'll have to know what i want to do/be in the future and I DONT BLOODY KNOW.

Another thing is that I always feel so normal like I dont have any talent or anything that I am good at which really sucks. I've been looking for that talent but I really cannot find it. It'll only lead to me feeling sorry for myself. It is difficult not to get so stressed out because people around me actually have a direction in life while I dont and I am so lost I dont even know what to say. And I do know for sure that I want to live life and not just do things for the sake of it. Honestly, I feel that I wouldnt even mind if I get a low paying job that i enjoy thoroughly. But best will be what I want to do will be what I want to earn in the future. I also know that sometimes life dont work that way and I'll have to sacrifice something to get something in return.

Ok I guess I am done with this post. It didnt exactly make me feel better but whoever who is as lost as me, I hope you feel comfort after reading this post because you are not alone. Hahaha. One day, I might grow numb to feeling so lost. I dont know. Ok byebye.

(I am so stressed out now because I have a report due soon and according to my own deadline, i only have 15 days left to do it.)