Aftermath.

Hello Im back before the month ends!! I wanted to do this post because ive been thinking about life and i just want to do it yknow. Its like one of the post where i just type whatever i have in mind and not like this sequence thing or like describing and event and whatnot. And i'll try to make this sound not so sad but i doubt that'll happen hahaha

Ok so the past week/5 days have been a struggle. Everyday I was so depressed and upset about god knows what man. It was pretty scary because i couldnt even figure out what i felt so terribly upset and no, my period just ended so confirm not pms. I was feeling empty and sleeping it off didnt even work this time round and i just did not feel like myself. Honestly, now i still dont feel good like happy but at least i decide to try and fix myself and my overflowing sadness last night. It started with something that happened (which i cannot say, sorry) and i was so bothered and traumatized by it. I was brawling my eyes out when it happened cos i was feeling so afraid and stuff. I even suffered the after effect like i cried the next day and the day after at the thought of that incident. I would say that it was one of the most traumatic experience in my life. Partial reason was because Brendan was flying off to Greece on the same day that incident happened. I was just spacing out the whole day when i was with him cos of that incident and it wasnt that good of a day together yknow. I was sad and frustrated cos i couldnt even spend that day with him happily cos i was so bothered. Sigh. I was reminded about it again after trying hard to put it back of my mind and obviously i was damn upset la. But honestly what can i do right? Because it is my fault anyway. I tried to brush it off but yknow its hard and that empty feeling seems to be stuck inside me. 

Everyday I have to make decisions like should i do this or do that? I feel that i make horrible decisions cos it will always make someone unhappy/upset in the end. And me being me, i dont like it. Then i'll end up making myself so fucking stressed and i end up unhappy myself too. But it is just not me to ignore how people feel and are affected by my decisions. Even something small can make me stressed out cos i will always think of how it will affect others. And being only human, i'll choose to do something that will make myself happy or something that i want to do at the end. I admit i feel damn selfish and guilty and shit after im done with everything. I just hate that after feeling. I will always have to feel something negative after doing something i want to or something that will make me happy.

We all make decisions everyday, whether consciously or unconsciously. And i think mine happens to be mostly consciously which is why it leads me through the whole process (choices - making decision - doing it - aftermath). But i realise i obviously do have decisions that i make unconsciously. Yknow even now like right now im still torn between two choices and either choice i make, someone is going to be unhappy? It just fucking sucks doesnt it.

But honestly, im blessed beyond words already. Even though Brendan is so far away (+time difference), he still makes the time to whatsapp me and entertain my emotionally unstable self the past 5 days without blowing up and shit. I probably would have been so irritated if i have to deal with me hahaha so thank you for being there to support me, hatchy and hitchy can give me warms hug in place of you till you get back to Singapore. And to Jiayi, i know ive been whatsapping you like cray too hahaha and youre having your exams now. But thank you for being a listening ear during your damn stressed out period. And to Priscilla, thanks for being so close by and for being there for me during that *disastrous* period. I may not know you for long and in fact not be in the same terminal for long but i hope we stay as close as we are now or even closer. And to Jia Hui, thank you for doing so many things to help me. You've been close by too and i really appreciate it alot. Hey, who really need many friends when you have a few who will be there for you, to listen to you and to pick you up when you falll?

After awhile, everyone feels like they are wearing a mask even myself. But you know what, THANK GOD ITS GOING BE OVER SOON. Sometimes i really think im damn hated and gets bitched about but i just dont know. Honestly, i fee like im at the stage where idgaf already, sadly. Im done with putting in effort yknow trying to make something impossible to work.

Ok i am done with all the ranting/trying to act deep hahaha chanced upon this quote on pinterest and yup cass is healing and coming back up stronger!!! till next time x