well, its one of the nights again where i worry like crazy about my future because it is so unclear sigh i dont even know what i want to do and all i ever think about is "i want to get into a local university, i have to" but sometimes wanting doesnt mean you will get it and in my case, chances of me getting into a local university is basically zero at this point of time cos of my horrible gpa and empty cca records in poly.
internship isnt even smooth sailing and it has only been a month. i cant say much and i wont. i am actually tearing up when i am writing this post. i feel so sad and lonely and just plain suckish. my team has great people but i feel like i dont belong and im always alone while others have other people to talk to. hopefully in time to come, things will change and i will feel that i am part of the team.
i only have two semesters left in poly and its the only chance i get to pull up my gpa and stand a chance in a local university. but at this point of time, i feel so helpless cos things are not looking good for internship which means its gna just make my gpa drop even lower because 22 credit units and nothing can save my gpa anymore, not even me doing well in the last semester of poly. i admit i have pin my hopes bloody high for my internship to get an A but in a month, just one month, ive fucked up so many times cos of so much shit. and honestly, i dont even know if i can redeem myself and change that someone's opinion(?) or impression of me?
i always feel like i need to get my life back together but what if i dont, what if i stay like that for the rest of my life - without a goal. i feel so afraid of what the future hold cos i dont even have a vision of what i am going to be doing just one year down the road. my mind's always filled with "what am i going to do in the future? am i going to make it into a local university? will my gpa actually go up? do i stand a chance to get into a local? what am i going to do in the future? what career am i going to persue? do i want to continue shift work like what i am doing now or go down the office job path? what am i going to study next? what will i do if i dont get into a local university? which private university am i going to if i dont make it to ntu or nus? what what what"
its just so tiring to keep worrying about things that is still far away but i just keep doing it. and stupid me doesnt want to just stay at home and be a rich taitai even if i get to be one in the future. i want to work hard to earn money for myself to spend. i dont want to rely on anyone to feed me. maybe this is how being too independent is making me so miserable. honestly i dont like this mindset of mine because i know relying and depending on someone at times will make my life easier and me happier.
ok i feel a little better to get whatever is on my mind out here, AGAIN. i dont know this is the n number of times i have been complaining about how worried i am about my future and how horrible i feel inside :( but i'll have to adapt and try to take things positively (tbh i have tried and i gave up but im going to try again and again and again) time to stop crying and pick myself up again cos crying doesnt help and coming back up stronger does. ok goodnight x
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