Gloomy nighty

tonight is such a gloomy night with rain and wind and sigh i just feel so shitty. ok i know im so overdue with all the other posts but thats becuase im so busy with nothing haha jk im just lazy to update and blogger was pissing me off cos i couldnt freaking change my background?!?!? this is gonna be a wordy sad post so if you dont want to read just skip ok haha

im feeling so fucking horrible about myself like everything have been going haywire since last sem. actually no, since poly started :( like things are never ever going my way. i feel like a useless speck of dust who is just taking up space on earth. i feel so inferior cos i have no achievements beside my o's results (which isnt even that good). but then im happy to have at least one thing to be happy about. year 1 just passed like that. i have no cca, nothing except for a scuba diving open water license. scuba diving wasnt even considered a cca cos we dont train or do anything for it. maybe thats why sdar decided to close it down.

ok things is partly my fault cos im god damn compeitive. but i was compared to other people since young so im always so determined to be the best and just be better than everyone else. you can say my competitiveness is crazily high but i dont fucking care because i dont feel the need to get rid of it. i feel that its ok but somehow it doesnt seem to be ok now cos its killing me mentally.

and yes i always ALWAYS compare myself to brendan. i want a boyfriend dumber than me so i can feel good about myself. hahaha you must be thinking, "what a selfish self-centered bitch" yes i admit i am but who doesnt like to feel good about themselves right. i've been scolding brendan and having stupid arguments cos he scored better than me ever since we came into poly but i know it isnt his fault and he doesnt deserve it. i cant help but scold him. maybe im just venting my own anger with myself, onto someone else which is brendan. i hate to feel that im incapable and lousy. i hate it, its up to the point where i will cry even though it isnt that bad but cos its worse than someone else.

well first was idare. i tried for the sept one. i didnt get in. i try for the march one, i didnt get in as well. i freaking cried over it ok, like a useless helpless bitch. such a weakling, thats what i am. im even tearing up while writing this post cos i feel so fucking shitty. why is life doing this to me. and bingo youre right! brendan got into idare. and boom yes i was pissed like fucking pissed. everytime i talk about it to him, i would cry and scold him and ignore him. because i wanted it so badly. now i think bout it, it was a waste of tears. so whatever.

the most recent one was envoys. i didnt get in, and yes brendan did. and until now i still feel super inferior. it proved his capabilities. and me? not capable at all. i even did stupid things like kissed the interiewer on the cheek for the 'impress me' question. all for nothing. im just not likable enough, not capable enough. just ... not good enough and never will be. im starting to accept life (haha maybe not)

this fucking sucks i wish i can get over poly life soon and advance into the next stage sigh i should have never ever wished sec school life to pass by quickly though it was horrible but not as horrible compared to poly hahaha its quite sad to feel and realise that i dont have any group of friends that im close to in school. well xiaofamily used to be a group of friends i wish that would stay together forever and ever but things dont always go how you want it to right? sigh

i really really need to buck up on my studies, thats what im left with now. and it sucks, really hahaha i dont even know how to pull my gpa up when its so bad sigh well i kinda feel a little tiny winy bit better after all the ranting. 

now i just hope i can at least get chosen for the study trip to taipei for hbm *fingerscrossed* i need to stop hoping for too much because i will end up disappointed anyway but i cant help it sigh ok i hope less people read this post so that i wont get judged that badly haha

ok, till next time.